Pushed By Pain

I raced out of the store I was managing to sit quietly in my car to normalize my breathing.

I could hear my heart pounding between my ears. An overwhelming desire to have just a single, quiet moment … an ordinary, personal, non-retail-manager interruption. “PIC to the meat department.” “Manager override checkstand two.” “PIC, backup cashier please.” “Customer service aisle four.” where I was greeted with a less-than-friendly “Why are you always out of this item?..” As if it was my cause and intent to wreck their day.

I felt as though the bottom 2/3rds of my lungs were incapable of circulating air. Panic-attack?, who knows, but I managed to circumvent the pain after about five quiet minutes. I needed to isolate just long enough to hear my own thoughts.

I swore to myself when starting this job as a teen, that I'd not become one of those discontented "30-somethings" that I was working for. In the 16 years following that grocery-bagging, bottle-sorter’s notion. I’d somehow become just that - someone who was not destined to do this for a living, but wound up over-staying my career evaluation time.

I remember asking myself, “At what point did anyone here say, ‘When I grow up, I want to sell dog food and toilet paper’.” I was too miserable to appreciate that this might be the perfect career for somebody, but it just wasn’t me.

I was in the wrong place - period.

The only staff laughter I witnessed, would be at a tasteless joke about the current news or judgement of a coworker. I struggled to even smirk, knowing that once I turned around, I'd be the butt of the next joke.

WHAT AM I DOING HERE?!!

A career counselor gave me some very indirect inspiration. After evaluating my Myers-Briggs, (personality type inventory) she said: “But you're at the top of your game with your work. Your VP’s sending you around to other stores. You're resume doesn't align with anything in the job posts, why wouldn’t you just continue your career in retail?"

I started to cuss, before my epiphany "FFFFFFinaly!.. That’s actually the motivation that I was waiting for!"  This was the second Myers-Briggs I'd taken, and both times I scored deep into the INFP zone, a complete opposite to my ESTJ job in grocery retail. And yet I stayed.

I asked another manager, “Do you ever go home and just wonder why you take dog food and toilet paper so seriously?” After serious concentration, he answered blankly - “No.” I waited for him to laugh, or crack a smirk. Nothing, he was serious, and I was dying inside.

Five years earlier I moved back to Pendleton to work for my mentor. He offered me $100 per week, in exchange for 40+ hours of free education. (and he delivered)

Louis M. Ver Baere was “the guy” that people traveled to for portraits around the Pendleton OR area.

I was 19 when he told me that I already knew what I needed in order to succeed as a photographer.

He saw something in me that I did not. I shot nature, and looked for any way to crop out anything man-made. (pre-photoshop) He photographed people. He was masterful at it, but he was not living a life that I had imagined for myself.

“That’s easy, you keep shooting those beautiful scenes, but add a family or high school senior in front of them.” This was brilliant! The breakthrough that I needed. Keep shooting nature, and customize it with the future image owner.

I took the reigns and decided to make something happen. That summer, I cashed in my 401K, and built-out my basement for Prints Charming Photography (now Studio B Photography) in 1996 a retail, systems junkie, leapt from the security of a weekly paycheck, to the uncertainty of one of thee highest failure-rated businesses possible.

First professional competition in 1996 - Awarded Fuji Masterpiece, Kodak Gallery Award a "Best of the Best" award where it hung at Kodak's Epcot Center in Orlando Florida and published by Kodak.

Failure was NOT an option. I’m now in my 24th year of full-time work as a photographer, and say with CONVICTION - It IS okay to turn your passion into a career. My clients will tell you that they can’t tell if I’m working or playing. My wife and five kids can attest, despite some longish hours, I never come home and complain about work.

The travel that I dreamed of as a retail manager (when I could afford it, yet never get the time to actually do it) has been paid for by my clients. Japan, The Bahamas, Canada (x3), Australia, Kenya and, home of my amazing Kiwi Bride Cathy, New Zealand!

Sometimes our most sought-after answers, sit just beneath our nose or between our ears. Perhaps it is always!

If that sounds oversimplified, my apology. There was work, and a LOT of it. I spent the better part of 1996-2000 sleeping four hours per day. (Full day at studio, eat dinner, play with kids, two hour nap, stock shelves at my old store. Eat breakfast, take a 2hr nap, rinse and repeat.)

You could not tell me that I had no life, my eye was on the prize… FREEDOM! Freedom to feel credit for my wins, and the wisdom from my losses.

I effed up a lot! Gambling on advertising with hope to not live hand-to-mouth, only to discover the one guarantee in advertising - That the bill will come, even if the business doesn’t.

That trusting the wrong people with your reputation has costs.

That learning-curve time (Photoshop, Pagemaker/InDesign/Illustrator/Word/Bridge/Web/Scheduling/CRM & camera gear) can cost a lot of money, time and relationships.

To this I must say, that if you’re in a relationship that cannot withstand your pursuit of passion, you may want to start that couples therapy before you lose the weekly paycheck.

When given an ultimatum between getting a real job, and saving a troubled marriage, I banked on my investment, knowing that I would die a slow and miserable death in the wrong career.

My next relationship began during the Great Recession, as a very hungry photographer. As expected, it was all up from there, and our mutual respect while having no money, has not continued as we increase our standard of living.

If you are sitting on the fence about pursuing your career of passion, JUMP!

Set up information interviews with people that are living the life you think that you want. This saved me from a wrong career-path as a merchandiser (product buyer) at Fred Meyer. A job that three years later was exported to Cincinnati, leaving my old peers to uproot or hire their own career counselors. (was great for my headshot business though - resume updates…)

Research, go to trade shows relative to your craft and see what it feels like to just “be” that!

Force yourself to save some money, invest in a Life Coach, and do NOT die with your song still in you. If you want to visit the wealthiest place on the planet, find a cemetery.

There are countless unfulfilled dreams, songs, books and ideas. I did not know the “how”, related to my next step once I jumped, but I see a solid bridge when I look back.

Being a SBNR sort, I’ll spare you of any statements overly religious, but I can tell you - I was NEVER alone!

The All-Knowing “HOW”, was there, even when I didn’t see It.

My life gets better every day, which is something I cannot say I could even imagine as an affirmation, before I made that fateful decision.

Onward!..

Brian Geraths (garretts)