Perspectives

(Brian’s Log of Gratitude)

Here is a rewritten version of the post, using up to 500 words, keeping reference to all other people mentioned:

I've been writing my thoughts since I was a kid. My first journal was a spiral-bound notebook that I kept hidden in my deceased-dog Dusty's doghouse. Privacy felt impossible, so I cut and hinged a flap in the floor, covered by carpet scraps.

I had good reason to release my feelings, even moreso to hide them from discovery ... which didn't work. When I was 10 or 12 years old, my journal was found and read by my parents. I was shamed and embarrassed for what I had written.

From then on, I started writing anonymously. I wrote a great deal in my high school newspaper and in my creative writing classes. I was still afraid of offending people, so I masked my true thoughts and feelings, usually using a fictitious protagonist.

In my senior year of high school, I wrote an article about peer pressure for my school paper. It was well-received and was even reprinted the next year. But when my teacher, Mrs. Livermore, asked me if I wanted to use my real name, I said no. I was still too afraid of reliving that shame if anyone knew the words were mine.

The next year, my English teacher, Mr. Chrysler, gave us an assignment to write in our journals for 10 minutes every day. He didn't give us any prompts or topics, simply "Put your pen to paper and write whatever came to mind." I loved this assignment. I finally felt like I could be myself and write about whatever I wanted.

One day, Mr. Chrysler asked to audit my journal. I was terrified as I gave it to him. He sat on an empty desk next to mine, read for a few minutes, then looked down at me and said, "This is really great stuff, are you the protagonist?"

I was too afraid to say yes, but clearly my expression said it all. I had been so afraid that he would judge me, but he was clearly proud of me, eager for everyone to hear my perspective on peer pressure and cliques.

He continued, "I want to share it with the whole school. What if I retype it and keep you anonymous?." I wanted to be excited, but my fear had lasting memories. I remember looking right through him, feeling his sincere trustworthiness. I nodded yes.

Despite all of the counseling, self-discovery workshops and personal development training I invested in, shame-based trauma was woven deep into me.

Forty … Years … I have allowed fear to squat, rent-free in my head! It has been there for so long that it knows when I am up, therefore pushing me away from my desire to share.

Since my long, dramatic recovery from a prefrontal concussion I was able to find one, unimaginable benefit. The “filter” between our thoughts and words was broken. Neurotransmitters do not mend, rather we form new Neuro pathways.

“Wait, what?.. [RECORD SCRATCH NOISE HERE] If that’s so, then I can kick that effing freeloader out!.. and that I did!

Truth is not always convenient, but the hard ones I’ve shared with my parents in particular have been well received.

I sat with them for 7.5 hours in 2022, walking them through my childhood perspective from a loving, grateful lens. One that could never have evolved into this life I love, were it not for my hardships. No blame, no shame, no guilt. I told them that I chose the perfect parents to become the person am and desired to be.

We laughed, we cried, we three talked longer in that one day, than collectively in my lifetime. Most importantly I left with their blessing to begin writing without inhibition.

I tried to restart the book I had been working on, but realized it was taking me longer to rewrite from my newfound voice, than to just start over.

Likely, by no coincident, my studio business exploded. Writing time was pinched out of my schedule, unless it was work-related blogs or marketing pieces. For that reason I decided that this blog will serve as my primer. It is not my book, yet fortified by its topic.

I am forever grateful for Mr. Chrysler giving me the courage to write. For my favorite author Richard Bach showing up to speak at my church on my 35th birthday. For my writing-mentor Graham Salisbury for serendipitously showing up and becoming one of my closest friends-turned-studio mate.

I have first-hand experience that says writing can save lives. It's not always easy, but it's worth the effort. It's a way to express yourself and to connect with others. It's a way to heal and to grow. And it's a way to find your voice while remaining focused on the greater good that your thoughtful words can create.

Gratefully,

Brian Geraths